[mousepoet]: 243.mousey's Poetry.Just Another Emo Poem

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mousepoet

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2007-06-28 19:56:44

[mousepoet]: 243.mousey's Poetry.Ess-Snow

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Genre:

Realism

Style:

poetry

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Free for reading

Suicide, or Just Another Emo Poem You Found Online

You talk of your death,
of pills, knives, and rope,
of love lost to hardship,
of life dry of hope

but is death any better?
Is nothingness clean?
Is breathlessness better
than living has been?

For it’s not what you think,
And it’s not what you know,
it’s far deeper than that,
And much harder to show.

It’s hotter than blood,
and sharper than steel,
and thicker than skin,
and harder to heal.

And the dead keep on rotting,
the strong keep on living,
and Time walks on past,
an immaculate being.

She’s clothed all in white
and as pale as the dawn,
and she’s walking toward sunset,
the sun, and beyond.

So hold the blade close
and watch your blood flow.
She’s laughing at you,
and that much I know.

2007-06-10 mousepoet: Do I use "for" too much? I feel I'm overusing it.

2007-06-10 Eleanor: I don't think you use "for" too much. However, I would recommend that you change "towards" in the sixth last line to "toward", and in the fifth stanza, I have a problem with the word "live" for living. Maybe "alive" would work better and it wouldn't mess up your meter much.

This poem is tongue in cheek, I hope.

2007-06-10 mousepoet: Oh yes, quite tongue in cheek.

Now, I'm curious, about "live," is your problem because you read it and thought "live" with the "i" pronounced as in "pit," or some other reason? If that's the case then I think I'll keep it, just on the off chance that someone reads it with the "i" long, but if it's some other reason please elaborate. I'll try to find some other word, "alive" just sounds funny to me.

Thanks a lot!

2007-06-11 Eleanor: Well, live is an adjective (with the i pronounced long, which is how I took it). You are using it here as a noun, to describe living, as opposed to dead, people. However, in English, we already have an adjective which can be used as a noun in this case, and that is "alive". We don't say: he is live. We say: he is alive. You can say: he's a live one, which means more or less the same thing, but I think you get my point. "Alive" may sound funny to you, but it is the correct English word to use there. Or else substitute "living" for live:

And the dead keep on rotting,
the living keep on living,

except here your problem is the repetition of the word "living" which you were obviously trying to avoid, n'est-ce pas?

Wait, I've got it! Don't go away just yet! Instead of "live", why not use the word "quick"?

And the dead keep on rotting,
the quick keep on living,

It's a perfectly acceptable English word, it gets the meaning across, it's also rather poetic. It's a suggestion. I have blathered enough.

2007-06-11 Jenna Rose: Nicely written poem.

2007-06-11 mousepoet: Okay, that clears things up. Thanks muchly, Eleanor! I'll go back and change it a little later, right now I've got bigger fish, most of the pre-calculus kind, to fry.

Thanks, Willow Rose!